Ok, technically I know that we are not at the end
of this week, but hey, I can bend the rules a little. They say that the third day after surgery is
the worst, for me it has been the third week.
I know that grief comes in stages, but there are
some things that I am ready to be done with.
No one warned me that I would have crazy dreams, or even be scared to go
to sleep because I was so fearful of hemorrhaging again. No one warned me that once I was asleep I
would dream that I was standing covered in blood. No one warned me that I would dream we were
on a family vacation and that Robert would be riding a horse wearing a baby
sling and not let me see the baby he was holding. No one warned me that sitting in the doctor’s
office for the follow up and seeing all the mother’s to be sitting there would
make me cry. No one told me how I would
cry on the way home from my appointment because the doctor warned me that I was
reaching the age that was going to make it harder to have more children. No one
told me that hearing my sister’s two week old baby on the phone whimpering and
squeaking would cause me to break down completely because I know that I will
never get to hear my little one squeak or cry.
No one told me how my arms would ache, how my heart would break daily
over little trivial things. No one did.
I know that God is in total and complete control. I know that I can rest in Him and find grace
for the moment, through His strength find the ability to stand and move
on. No one told me that when I would be
down in my knees broken hearted asking God to take this ache away He would
respond in a very real way and ask me: “Aren’t I enough?” No one told me that I would have to answer
like Hannah: “Yes Lord, even in my despair and broken heartedness, You are enough.” No one told me how hard it be to admit that I
am aching for the feel and sound of another little one and have to admit that
even if I never get to experience that again, I have to admit that God is
enough.
Even though it is hard to admit and tell God that
He is enough, the reality of the situation is that He is enough. I have to rest in Him, even on the hard days,
weeks, or months. No one told me the
peace that would come with that thought, or even the fact that I would have the
courage to admit that it is a hard thing to do.
Yes, this week has been a horrible, rotten, no good bad kind of
week. Thankfully I serve a God that is
more than enough!
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