ONE YEAR: REMEMBERING SAMUEL

If you would have told me one year ago that I would be remembering the death of my child, I would have scoffed at you.  After all, we were happily waiting for one week from today to find out the gender of our newest Best, not to learn of his death.  BUT, today, exactly one year ago that is what happened.  We were handed the gift of walking through the death of our child, our son Samuel.

This past year has in no way been easy.  We have cried more than we thought possible. I have cried more than I thought possible.  I have cried over baby commercials, the sounds of infants cooing, laughing, and gurgling.  When we got to meet our new niece, I rejoiced with my brother-in-law and sister-in-law over their gift, and then sobbed on the ride home since their baby’s birth was due to be close to mine.  Their precious little one was here, on this earth to be snuggled and kissed.  My precious little one was taken from me and is waiting in the arms of my Savior.  I have peace in that, I have peace because of that; but it still hurts.

 

There are some things that I have learned as I have walked this path of grief this past year and grief is an odd thing.  In Christ and in Christ alone I can find the strength to breathe, but there are moments that it is hard to gasp for air.  There are moments, even still when my body is expanding to accommodate a new son to be born into our family, that I think of my Samuel and sob.  I should be holding my bouncing 7 month old in my arms, telling him about his new brother coming.  Instead I find myself (especially as we get the baby items out and get things washed and “ready” for Jacob), calling Jacob Samuel and having my children correct me.  As we have gotten closer and closer to this day, I have called him Samuel more and more, and I have wept.

I have had to defend myself and my children to family with their attitude of “YOU SHOULD BE OVER THIS BY NOW!”  My children, husband, and I will NEVER be “over this!”  We lost a child, a person, a gift from God.  Even though we never held him in our arms, we have always held him in our hearts and never wanted to see him taken from us.  We still grieve and mourn him although it is not in a public way anymore. We all miss seeing the person that he could have been.  To have to defend ourselves or hear those words is heart breaking and callous.  It is cruelty that is like heaping salt onto an open wound.  Yet, endure it we have.  I, indeed my whole family, will grieve in our own time table and in our own manner.  We are still grieving to this day.

 

I have had to endure snide remarks about the impending arrival of our newest addition.  I have lived in fear daily that he will be taken from me too.  Not a day goes by that I do not wonder if I will lose Jacob, if it is wrong for me to be happy about his upcoming birth, if I am trying to replace Samuel, if I will be able to really love him.  There is not a day that goes by that I don’t question or doubt myself and my ability to be a Mother, not just to Jacob but to all my children.  Add to this the snide comments that are made about the size of our family, how crazy we are to be having another child, and if we don’t know what causes this; and I mourn even harder.  I want to scream that I am not the mother of FIVE but SIX!  This is not my FOURTH son but my FIFITH son.  BUT, I do not rally against the remarks, hurtful comments, blame put on me; instead I endure them quietly and weep even more for what I have lost.

On this day, one year ago, I lost my fourth son, Samuel.  He was loved from the moment that we found out of his coming into our lives.  He was and has been wept for and missed ever since he was born into Heaven.  I never had the privilege of holding him in my arms, but I will forever hold him in my heart.  And I will weep and mourn for him daily until I get to see him, resting comfortably in the arms of my Jesus. 

Please do not mistake my quiet acceptance of this situation as strength.  Indeed, when it comes to my children I am the weakest of women.  But in my weakness, Christ is allowed to showcase His strength through me.  It is because of Christ and Christ alone that I have survived this past year.

Mama loves you Samuel.  I miss you my sweet little one!