SAMUEL’S 3RD BIRTHDAY!

On this day, three years ago, our precious Samuel was due.  Unfortunately for us we lost Samuel in November and never got the chance to meet him.  I never got the chance to meet him and hold him.  I’ve never gotten the chance to kiss his cheeks or rock him to sleep.  I was never given the chance to be his mother.  I have mourned him and missed him more than I thought possible; I have cried over him and I have cried out to God to fill the void in my heart, but it is still there. 

Today, April 4^th was Samuel’s due date.  Now I know my pregnancies and my children and I know that he wouldn’t have been born on his due date.  I know that he would’ve been late.  I also think he would’ve grown up to look like his Daddy, just like his older brothers.  I imagine him with the blonde hair that would slowly be transitioning to brown, just like the other boys have done.  I imagine him being an adventures little boy with a love of trains, tractors, and horses, like his older brothers.  I imagine we would be having a birthday party filled with love and laughter as we celebrate a precious little boy turning three. 

I miss my son that I never had the chance to meet.  He holds a piece of my heart; he is forever in my heart.  I may not talk of him daily, but there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss him or imagine the little boy he would be.  This month I should’ve been planning my son’s third birthday.  I’m not doing this.  I am, however, remembering his life and the impact that he had on me the short time I was allowed to carry him under my heart.  Now he is forever in my heart, my sweet baby boy.

REMEMBERING GRANDDADDY

The first breath that a new born makes is considered the most precious gift of all.  It is the signal of something amazing; a new life that is worth celebrating.  I was recently challenged to consider that the last breath someone takes is just as beautiful.  It is the signal of the end of a beautiful life.  This breath is no more important than the first breath of life, in many ways it is the most important breath a person can take; it shows that someone here on this vast planet lived.  As many know I am a firm believer that all life is sacred.  This means that all the breaths that a person takes are sacred, special, and worth celebrating.  The first breath of life is just as breathtakingly beautiful as the last breath of life. 

This past week we have had to watch as Robert’s Granddaddy, Robert “Bob” Massey, took his last breath here on earth.  Knowing that this was his last breath here, we mourn, but we also cling to the beauty that this breath symbolizes.  Granddaddy’s last breath shows us a life that was lived; his was a life that was lived in a full and exuberant manner, and it was a beautiful life.

Granny, Granddaddy, and Lauri (Robert's Mom) at our Wedding

I met Granddaddy 21 years ago.  He was a strapping man with a big smile and an even bigger heart.  I watched him as he interacted with his first grandson, the boy that he had helped to raise and mold  into the man that he is today; the boy that I chose to spend my life with, my husband; and if I am being honest, I have always been envious of their relationship.  Granddaddy had a genuine deep love for all people, but the bond that he shared with Robert was particularly special.  Robert was the first born boy, indeed his relationship started from birth when he was named for his Granddaddy, and over the years the relationship evolved and changed from that of a little adoring boy to two men   who held each other with a deep love and a lot of respect as they navigated life’s pathways more often than not, together.

Granddaddy and Robert often butchered.  Mostly it was hogs but in spring of 2012 it was a steer.

In early 2009 he was showing us he still had it in him to be a GREAT cowboy!

The first time I remember seeing Robert away from school he was with his Granny and Granddaddy.  They were in the old gray truck doing what they loved, checking on the cows.  During the early years of our relationship I would watch as Robert and Granddaddy would gather their tack, gear, and horses to go work cows for at least two weeks.  I remember helping to clean for the last big party that was held at Granddaddy’s barn.  I remember helping to clean the barn for gospel concerts with the quartet Crimson River.  I remember the first Christmas I spent with Robert’s family, watching as Granddaddy and Robert stirred the huge cast iron pot full of swamp cabbage.  I remember watching Robert and Granddaddy butcher, working in perfect harmony side by side.  No need for words, they had worked together enough.  I remember watching Granddaddy clean the barn to prepare for our wedding.  I remember watching as Granddaddy, Uncle CL, Uncle Joe Buck, and Uncle Bill gathered together to sing at our wedding.  I remember family reunions where he introduced me as his granddaughter.  I was never an in-law to him, I was family.

Christmas of 2010 with his four great grand-kids.

I remember his joy when we gave him his first great grandchild, his baby girl.  I remember his excitement over his first great grandson, and his pride that this boy would too continue the family tradition of having the name Robert.  I remember his love of his great grandchildren, the way he would pull up to our house and honk the horn (which drove me nuts in all honesty) to haul the kiddos off to see a new calf or ride to the mailbox.  I watched him with love that shone in his eyes as he taught his great grandchildren the things that he had taught their father.  I watched him as he lovingly hauled Robert and our children into the woods to go hunting or just ride naming all the slews and hammocks he knew, into restaurants, and always to the jiffy stores for ICEES. I watched him as all five of my children climbed into his lap and patted his shirt pocket wanting either the Tic Tacs or the chewing gum awaiting him there.  I also watched as he fed them the gum or the mints, even when I asked him not to, because he was their Granddaddy. 

Summer of 2012 when he bought the kiddos Candy.  

These are my favorite photos of Granddaddy.  This was the last time I saw him ride a horse.  His horse, Socks, is too old to ride.  To me these photos show us who Granddaddy is, a true Florida Cowman!

I watched him as his body started to betray him and he could no longer do what he loved, but he still sat right in the middle of Robert and my children while supervising them as they continued on with his tradition of riding, popping a cow whip, and even butchering.  I remember the pride that he had as he talked about John Robert garnering his courage to finally ride.  I remember his joy when Maggie asked for the brand that his mother had given him, the HEART H brand.  I remember how he would brag on Ethan for his love of Lego’s and anything science related.  I remember hearing him defend the size of our family to a naysayer, commenting on how each child was so amazingly special.  I remember his laughter and joy when the little ones, Cole and Jacob,always ran into his house to see him.  The littles were always running past Granny to jump into his waiting open arms, play with his hats, and stomp around in his boots.  I watched as it got to be harder and harder for him to pick the children up.  I watched as he would walk into my house and just sit to watch the children play or do their schooling.  I watched him as he watched them, always with love.

I have watched Granddaddy laugh at the mischievousness of children, the jokes of his cousins, and the joy of life.  I have watched him as he generously fed anyone who needed a meal, sometimes to Granny's chagrin.  I have watched him as he handed what he could to those in need, never expecting anything in return.  I have watched him as he worked physically harder than any man I have known, often outworking the younger men around him.  I have watched him as he loved on my children as he willingly sang to them and imparted the knowledge that he had about the life of a  true Florida Cowman.   I have watched him in good times, great times, bad times, and hard times.    

I also watched as his health started declining.  I watched him as he stubbornly fought his body and its ultimate betrayal with his health.  When the phone call came in that his health was beyond repair, I watched as he still purposed to show his family that he loved them.  I watched him as Robert and he struggled to find the balance of their relationship, one that wasn’t defined as a little boy who adored the giant of the man that Granddaddy was, but one of a love so deep and a respect so strong, that even  disagreements and hurts couldn’t stop the love that they shared for each other; his love for our family.  I have seen so much, watched it up close and from afar, and have been amazed.

For 21 years I watched the life of Bob Massey, our Granddaddy, as he lived a life of love and purpose in front of me.  On Sunday, August 9, 2015, Granddaddy took his last breath.  This Saturday we will be gathering to celebrate his life.  Our world is a better place because he lived.  My world is a better because he lived. 

Granddaddy’s last breath was so infinitely beautiful, because we know that he is now in the arms of our Savior.  Granddaddy took his last breath here on this earth but is now  enjoying the beauty of heaven and holding his grandson, our baby Samuel.  This temporary separation is not a good bye, but a “see you soon”.  Knowing this, there is joy in our sorrow.  There is a deep love within our lives all because a man named Bob Massey, our beloved Granddaddy.

WHAT CAN I SAY OR DO?

Today I had a sweet girl that we used to go to church with and is now in college contact me and asked me this precious question.

"Mrs. Jennifer, my sweet friend and her husband lost their baby, she was six weeks pregnant.  What can I say or do to help her?"

My first reaction was to tell her that I didn't know.  How should I know what to do or say?  While I can be open about my grief and readily talk about the loss of my precious Samuel, I know that grief is a totally personal thing.  Not everyone wants to be open.  Not everyone will respond the way that I did when we found out our son had died.  So I sat there, with tears filling my eyes asking God, how can I help her?

The answer was simple; just love her.  

My sweet one, your friend is totally heart broken.  It's a pain that not even her husband will fully comprehend because, while he loves the baby, he didn't carry that sweet baby.  Her heart is so torn that it is literally hurting her to breathe right now.  That's okay, it's normal.  At times like this, words aren't necessary, just sitting next to her, holding her while she sobs, and even cleaning her house is all the love she can handle right now.  Bring her a meal or a gift card to her favorite restaurant.  These little actions are enough.  That's what you can do.

The idea of what to say is harder.  I wanted people to talk to me about Samuel.  He was my son.  He was (and is) loved and missed.  He was a vital and important person of our family.  But, I know that not everyone is as open as I am about the loss of their child.  Not everyone can share their thoughts openly and that's okay.  For me it is important to talk about him and his brief life, and my children and I do talk of Samuel and often.

I can tell you what NOT to say.  Never tell someone that there will be other babies.  That doesn't matter.  It is this baby that we wanted.  It is this child who's life was ripped from us too soon.  As much as I love my other children, as much as I love my precious Jacob, I still long and ache to hold Samuel.  He was a life, he mattered.  Don't ever tell someone that their baby is now an angel.  That is not comforting, at least not for me.  My Samuel wasn't created an angel, he was created a baby.  He had 10 fingers and 10 toes.  He had a beautiful face.  He was not an angel, he was my child, my beloved son.  To me saying that the baby is now an angel is dehumanizing and makes the pain even worse.  Do not ever tell a mother that there must have been something wrong with their baby.  It doesn't matter if the baby would've been born with a disability or not; they are still that couple's precious baby.  Lastly, never tell the grieving parent that they can't grieve anymore or that they should be "over" the loss of the child.  Don't tell any siblings this either.  There is no time line of grief.  There is no way that a week, a month, or even a year is enough time.  It's been two years for me, and I still cry.

So this brings me to my answer, what can you say?  Remember to say, "I love you".  Remember to say that the mother is enough.  Remember to say that she can cry, scream, yell, sob, hide, or even hit her pillow if she needs to.  Tell her she can talk about the baby or not talk about the baby.  Tell her she can have a memorial service or not have one.  Tell her that she can name the baby or not.  Tell her it's okay to feel crazy, emotional, hormonal, and even depressed.  Tell her it's all normal and that where she is right now is where you want to be too, right next to her supporting her.  

Most of all, tell her that God the Father Himself knows how she feels and that He really does love her, even if she feels that He doesn't.  He too lost his precious Son to the sin of this cursed world.  He too knows what it means to grieve and mourn.  He knows the hurt that stops us from breathing and knows how it feels to be uncertain of taking your next breath.  More than anything, He know it all and He is enough.   

HAPPY BIRTHDAY IN HEAVEN SAMUEL!

Today two years ago my world was forever rocked when we learned that our fifth baby and fourth son was no longer with us here on earth but was Heaven born.  There have been a lot of changes in our lives since then.  We have welcomed another son whom we love and adore.  We have seen time pass and children get older and more responsible.  We have been blessed abundantly by God as we continue to walk the path that He has called us to walk. We have also struggled as we continue to walk the path that God has asked us to walk.  In spite of the hardships and changes, one constant remains the same; we have never forgotten Samuel.

Samuel would have been born sometime in April which would have made him almost two.  The other day when Ethan and I were alone he asked me if I ever thought of Samuel.  He told me that he thinks of him from time to time. He said that he can see him as a two year old who wasn’t mean like Cole is, but who was sweet. 

“He’d have blonde hair Mama, and he’d have Daddy’s shaped head and feet.  He’d get into all my toys like Cole does.” Then he said the words that cut my heart to the core and made me so thankful to be driving so he couldn’t see my tears. “I miss him a lot Mama and think of him when I’m in my bed.  Do you miss him too?”

Yes, my precious son, I miss your baby brother daily.  I miss seeing the little boy he would have been or the man he would have become.  I miss walking the floor with him in my arms.  I miss snuggles, kisses, laughter, tears, and the joy that would have been Samuel.  I have peace and can pen this without tears in my eyes because I know that my son is resting in the arms of Christ today, but I still miss him.

Today is the anniversary of the day that my world was turned upside down.  Today is the anniversary of the day that I had to give back one of the most important things in the world to me, my son.  Today I mourn him and remember him.  Today I can also find joy in his life.  I find joy knowing that I will hold my son one day.  I find joy knowing that my son is waiting on me.  I find joy knowing that my children miss him and remember him as well. 

HAPPY 2^nd HEAVEN BORN BIRTHDAY SAMUEL!  WE LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU!

OCTOBER IS MORE THAN BREAST CANCER AWARENESS

Breast cancer is a horrific disease that affects a lot of women.  This disease has affected a friend of my daughter’s mom, some women from our church, some women within my family, and my own Grandma.  It is a disease that we need to focus on and pay attention to.  It is a disease that we as women need to educate ourselves on.  We need to learn how to do self exams, watch for warning signs, and be willing to do the detailed screenings at the appropriate time.  October is the month that was chosen for Breast Cancer Awareness, and there is nothing wrong with that, but there is more to the month of October than just breast cancer.  October is also the month that has been designated to bring awareness to infant death, something that I am all too familiar with.

On November 6, 2012 my world was forever changed by the news that my 4^th son, my Samuel was Heaven born.  He died before I got to hold him in my arms. His death forever impacted my life and the lives of his siblings. He was and still is, my precious son.  I still mourn and miss him daily; I know that I always will.  This is the path that I was called to walk on, and I know that I am not alone.

It has been said that miscarriage statistics are hard to document.  The average accepted statistic is that 20%-30% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage that is about 1 in 4 pregnancies.  Most happen before the end of the first trimester (or the 12 week mark), but many, like my loss can occur later (we were at week 19 when we lost Samuel).  With the back to sleep campaign, the SIDS rate has fallen some, but it does still occur with approximately 2,300 babies dying annually here in the US alone.  These numbers also don’t take into consideration the number of baby’s that are stillborn which is estimated to be 1 in 160 births.  No matter what the numbers look like, the simple fact is that today, someone somewhere is sadly going to lose their baby, and it will happen again tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that.

October 15^th has been designated the day to remember these precious little ones.  Today is the day that we should pause and celebrate their lives, honor their memories, and hug their parents tight.  This day, this reason, is why October is so much more than Breast Cancer Awareness month.  This month is more than just women’s breasts, it’s about their hearts as well, and the pieces that are forever missing from them because so many women have been called to walk the path of losing a baby. 

If you know someone who has lost a child, please hug them close.  Not all women are able to be as open to talking about their little one, but if they are a nice note or quick phone call letting them know that you remember and you care can make their day.   If you have been called to walk this path too, then please know that I am thinking of you, that I am praying for you, and that I am remembering you and mourning with you.   I know how hard this path is to walk down.  Believe me when I say that as a mother, you NEVER forget your child.  You NEVER stop loving your baby, it doesn’t matter if they are Heaven born or taken from you too soon.  No matter what happens, they are your child and you are their mother. 

Please remember that October is so much more than Breast Cancer Awareness month.  Please remember that October, especially today, October 15^th is also about women and their precious babies.  Let’s take October to celebrate women, to honor their strength, their courage, their fragility, and their capacity to love.  More than that, let’s remember that there are women whose hearts are missing because a piece of it was taken from them too soon and let’s honor those women today.

SAYING GOODBYE

Having to say goodbye to a loved one is a horrible charge that we are all faced with at one time or another in our lives.  Rich or poor, young or old, death is the equalizer of us all.  It is the five letter word that sits like an elephant in the room, the one thing that we all have in common and the one thing that none of us want to deal with.  Indeed the Bible tells us that we are not promised tomorrow, or to even purpose to plan for tomorrow.  Instead we are to focus on today and be a blessing to those among us today, in this moment.

Since March of this year, our family has been hit with the loss of five loved ones or family members.  Three of our losses have been children, one under the age of 15 and two were precious babies, one was a young woman around 55 or so, and this last death is that of my Aunt Carole.  Five deaths in four months, it seems overwhelming.  In reality it is overwhelming.

Our latest loss happened last night with the passing of Aunt Carole.  Aunt Carole was really my great aunt.  She was my Grandma Peacock’s sister in law, she was married to Grandma’s brother our Uncle Bob.  I loved Uncle Bob and Aunt Carole immensely.  Where Uncle Bob was out going and gregarious, Aunt Carole was quiet and genteel.  They were a perfect match for each other; they balanced each other in a very complimentary manner.  

Growing up we spent every Christmas Eve at Aunt Carole and Uncle Bob’s house.  Uncle Bob always hid candy canes in the tree and made his infamous shrimp salad.  Aunt Carole always the lady complimented us on our Christmas outfits and took the time to sit and talk to each one of us. 

 We lost Uncle Bob a little over six years ago, and his loss was hard on Aunt Carole and Grandma.  We lost Grandpa three years ago, and again the loss was hard on them both.  Now Aunt Carole is gone, and the loss is hard on Grandma, but it’s especially hard because she doesn’t have her friend in Carole to call or lean on.  Aunt Carole was more than her sister in law, she was her friend.  Aunt Carole called or emailed us on all our birthdays.  She really reached out to Grandma after Grandpa died.   Christmas Eve was no longer at her house, but she always came for a visit at Thanksgiving and Christmas.  She was always the lady, always loving, always kind, and always a friend.

It’s been said to me that the older you get the more you feel and recognize the loss of life.  Perhaps it’s because as we get older we become more focused on our own mortality.   Or maybe, like me, we are all stopping to reflect on what our loved ones mean to us.  Maybe, just maybe we are starting to realize the value of family and the need to stay connected no matter what.  No matter what the reasoning is, we do seem to see life and death more clearly as we get older. 

Once again our lives have been impacted by the sting of death.  Once again we have to say goodbye to someone that we hold dear to us, today it is our beloved Aunt Carole.  Once again we are called to walk the path of loosing someone we love.  Knowing this, I want to challenge everyone to love freely and deeply, forgive freely and immediately, and hold your loved ones close because we are not promised tomorrow, ever.