REMEMBERING SAMUEL

Sometime within this past month, our Samuel would have been a year old.  He would have been walking and talking in that adorable baby way, filling our hearts with laughter and joy.  Samuel would have been having his first haircut and his first birthday photos sometime within this past April.  It would have also been his first Easter.  He would have tried to chase Cole, Ethan, and John Robert around the yard while Maggie helped him hunt eggs.  There are a lot of things that would have been special this month for our family with our precious Samuel.

Sadly, none of that happened.  We celebrated Easter, had our haircut day, and have enjoyed being together as a family. We attended a first birthday and celebrated the joy that we have that our niece was here, happy, healthy, and beautiful. We are planning a birthday, but it’s not the fun robot themed first birthday that I wanted, it’s a fun cowboy theme that the birthday boy wanted.  We have so many reasons to rejoice in so much, but I am not going to lie or pretend I miss my son and April is a hard month for me.

 

Since our loss of Samuel there have been things that I can no longer bring myself to do.  While rocking my baby’s, be it Cole or Jacob, I can never bring myself to sing “Bayou Baby Bunting” anymore.  I sang it every night to Cole while I was expecting Samuel, and would snuggle him close.  Now it hurts my heart to much to sing it.  Oh I still sing to my boys, but not once have I sent Jacob into dream land singing or humming Bayou Baby Bunting.  I just can’t bring myself to do that anymore.  I also can’t call my kiddos a “Sleepy Sam”.  I started using that term with Ethan when he was about five months old.  Now, it hurts my heart to use that little nickname.  I also feel really, really guilty when I say that I have 5 children.  I don’t have 5 children, I have 6.  Just because I never got to hold my Samuel, rock him, change his diaper, and kiss his little head doesn’t mean he wasn’t mine.  I have 5 sons and 1 daughter; I am the mother of 6!

April will forever be the month that my Samuel should have been.  April will forever be the month that I pause and remember my son’s should have been birthday and wonder what life would have been like with him here.  I know that Samuel was born into Heaven and that he is with my Jesus.  I know that he is waiting for me and knows who I am.  I am forever Samuel’s mama and I will forever miss him.