APRIL 4th......

Today is April 4th.  For many it is just another day.  This year April 4th is the day before Easter.  People are scurrying around finishing their Easter baskets, planning their family meal, and heading to parties to celebrate the Risen Savior.  For many today is a day to begin the celebrations of spring.  For me, it's a reminder of what should have been.

April 4, 2013 was my Samuel's due date.  Today I should be making six Easter baskets, but I am only making five.  I should be planning a second birthday.  Maybe a Dr. Seuss theme, since Samuel and Jacob would have been my Thing 1 and Thing 2.  Sadly, I'm not planning that party or making up that extra basket.  I am sitting here, in the chaos of a Saturday morning, hurting and crying.

I am hurting for what might have been.  I am broken because of all that I never got to do with my sweet Samuel.  I am broken woman, missing a vital piece of myself, my son.  

I am missing my son today because I never got to meet him on April 4th.  I am sad, I am hurting, and I weep.  The pain of loosing Samuel is as real today as it was two years ago.  I don't even know how to remember this day.  Do you say "Happy Should've Been Birthday"?  Do you just say "I miss you...."
Whatever I am supposed to say, I miss my son, I am hurting today as I will every April 4th for the rest of my life.  I am a broken woman, even behind my smile.  I love my son who I never held, and I miss him daily.