November Thirty Days of Thankfulness

Once again this year I undertook the Facebook challenge of finding something to be thankful for everyday in the month of November.  With all that has happened to us, I will be the first to admit that there have been some days that were easier than others to find something to be thankful about.  Some days all I wanted to do was to hide under my covers and not come out.  In spite of my range of emotions, I chose to find something to be thankful for daily!

For me, this exercise in thankfulness has been a huge blessing.  Every day I chose to look at the positive, even when the negative overwhelmed me and threatened to swallow me whole!  I chose to be happy, I chose to be grateful for the live that I have lead, I chose to be thankful for all things that happen; the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I truly think that this has helped me heal after the loss of Samuel in a big way.  I have been looking for reasons to be thankful, and I discovered that I have been abundantly blessed.

The Bible tells us that we should always rejoice, always pray, and always look for a reason to be thankful.  1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 states: “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (NIV).  How can one practically rejoice, give thanks, and praise when life is swallowing them alive and feels so horrific it takes every ounce of strength just to breathe?  Easy, focus on blessings.  Focus on the fact that we have hope because of who we are in Christ.  Not sure if you have this hope, you can, all you need to do is admit that you have screwed up ( the Bible calls this sin and let’s face it, we all have) and tell God that you need to be forgiven from these mess ups and need His help to not sin anymore.  Then you start on the greatest journey you have ever known, walking a life with the Creator of the universe, the Creator and Lover of your soul!  Next you look at what you do have in life and you thank God and praise Him for it!

This month has been challenging on many levels.  I am thankful for so very, very much.  I am even thankful for the blessing of being Samuel’s Mama, even if it was for such a short time.  I want to challenge all of us to look for reasons to be thankful throughout December and into the New Year!  After all, if we have Christ, we have enough to be thankful for every second every minute of every day!

 

Week Three: Miscarriage Review: HORRIBLE, ROTTEN, NO GOOD BAD WEEK!

Ok, technically I know that we are not at the end of this week, but hey, I can bend the rules a little.  They say that the third day after surgery is the worst, for me it has been the third week. 

I know that grief comes in stages, but there are some things that I am ready to be done with.  No one warned me that I would have crazy dreams, or even be scared to go to sleep because I was so fearful of hemorrhaging again.  No one warned me that once I was asleep I would dream that I was standing covered in blood.  No one warned me that I would dream we were on a family vacation and that Robert would be riding a horse wearing a baby sling and not let me see the baby he was holding.   No one warned me that sitting in the doctor’s office for the follow up and seeing all the mother’s to be sitting there would make me cry.  No one told me how I would cry on the way home from my appointment because the doctor warned me that I was reaching the age that was going to make it harder to have more children.   No one told me that hearing my sister’s two week old baby on the phone whimpering and squeaking would cause me to break down completely because I know that I will never get to hear my little one squeak or cry.  No one told me how my arms would ache, how my heart would break daily over little trivial things.  No one did.

I know that God is in total and complete control.  I know that I can rest in Him and find grace for the moment, through His strength find the ability to stand and move on.  No one told me that when I would be down in my knees broken hearted asking God to take this ache away He would respond in a very real way and ask me: “Aren’t I enough?”  No one told me that I would have to answer like Hannah: “Yes Lord, even in my despair and broken heartedness, You are enough.”  No one told me how hard it be to admit that I am aching for the feel and sound of another little one and have to admit that even if I never get to experience that again, I have to admit that God is enough. 

Even though it is hard to admit and tell God that He is enough, the reality of the situation is that He is enough.  I have to rest in Him, even on the hard days, weeks, or months.  No one told me the peace that would come with that thought, or even the fact that I would have the courage to admit that it is a hard thing to do.  Yes, this week has been a horrible, rotten, no good bad kind of week.  Thankfully I serve a God that is more than enough!

It’s Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas!

I think that it is no surprise to those who know me that I LOVE Christmas!  It is truly my most favorite time of year.  Robert and I were married 15 years ago in December so I could have a “Christmassy” wedding.  I love the season, the smiles, the gifts, the traditions, and the meaning of Christmas.  Have I mentioned that I just love Christmas?

This year we needed something to cheer us up early, so I broke tradition by starting our Christmas decorating a little bit early this year.  Normally we wait until “Black Friday” to decorate, but this year we started on Monday, decorating one area / room a day until the house was done.  We are going to get our Christmas tree this weekend, breaking tradition again by getting a live tree (my first one ever!), and I am very excited.   This year was really fun for me, I have a new porch to decorate!  With all this Christmas spirit, our house is starting to look a lot like Christmas and this Best Mama is super excited!

Decorating the porch.

I love how this tree looks, all the red, white, and green is so festive!

What a way to welcome Christmas!  I love how our porch looks!

Even the kiddos bathroom gets decorated!

 

My rustic snowmen kitchen cabinets. 

I love the pinecone tree!

E-Man decorated the fireplace, complete with "his" Christmas village on the mantle.

He even added his monster trucks to the village since we didn't have enough antique cars!

MISCARRIAGE: Week Two Review and Being Thankful

I must admit that I was really leery about getting together with everyone this week for Thanksgiving.  We have family that is expecting and family that just had their babies arrive (safely but early), and while I am thrilled for them and with them the need to be around all the joy of a new baby seemed a bit much to me.  I must admit that I was in “bad” shape Thanksgiving morning worrying about something that had not happened yet and how people would respond.  BUT, Thanksgiving was a great day and helped me in more ways than I thought.

First of all, the children and I had something to look forward to.  After Thanksgiving comes Christmas and while I usually wait until Black Friday to decorate, this year I started on Monday and took the decorating one room / area at a time.  The kiddos and I really enjoyed this and it gave us something happy and exciting to look forward to everyday.  Ethan was my biggest helper, he always is.  He even swept the porch off for me singing Jingle Bells the whole time.  It made us smile and we enjoyed the “fun” times of this tradition as a family.

Thursday, as I mentioned was a hard day for me.  However, I knew that there was a lot that I needed to practice saying THANK YOU to Christ for.  I kept coming back to the cross.  I know that Christ is holding my little Samuel in His hands until I can get there and I knew that I could be thankful for nothing else besides this fact than I had enough.  It was sobering to think this and yet it was a great reminder.  I am thankful that I had Samuel for the brief time that I did, but because of my relationship with my Creator, I know that I will have him for eternity very soon.

Looking for things to be thankful for has helped me some.  I still have teary moments.  I still have moments that are hard; hard to breathe hard to think, hard to remember to smile, hard to be normal, but I am practicing to be thankful even in the midst of these hard moments and dare I admit even be thankful for the hard moments.  It is in these moments that I know that Christ is with me always.  Knowing this, I can praise God and be thankful for all things.  This is not an easy task, but it is a choice that I make willingly.

I am not there yet, but I am on the way.  Knowing that I am not walking this path alone but have Christ with me every step of the way gives me something else to be thankful for too!

MISCARRIAGE: A Week Later, Finding Joy!

Life is not always easy.  There are times when normal seems almost impossible to maintain when life is, well normal.  Add to that the idea of grief and it can be almost impossible to maintian normal let alone find joy in anything.  Yet, it is vitally important to find joy in the everyday gifts of living.

Joy is not something that is easy to find when sorrow crowds our minds.  Yet, joy can be found.  I have found joy in many things; the laughter of my children as they play and chase their chickens, the smiles of the baby as he eats a chocolate chip cookie for the first time, and he smears it everywhere and is quite proud of that fact, the ability to smile and cringe at the same time as the baby discovers his hidden super talent of walking; and oh so much more.  Joy can be found it takes a heart that is open to finding it.

I think that people forget that a mother who suffers a loss can mourn for a long time.  I think that it is okay to allow ourselves to mourn.  I think that it is also okay to allow ourselves to find joy in simple things and move forward, even if it is with tears in our eyes and a heavy heart.  I am not healed yet, I am still working on finding healing; but I am in the process of seeking to find joy.  This joy is found because I know who I am in Christ, and I know that He knows what it means to grieve, weep, and mourn the loss of life.  I know that there is joy that can be found in the morning, just as the Psalmist says.  I know that healing is a process; I know that I can find joy; I know that I can find peace, even as I continue to walk in sorrow!

LOSS OF LIFE…..Miscarriage

I have always been secretly happy that I was one of the lucky ones that have been unscathed by the prospect of a miscarriage.  After all, I have four healthy and beautiful children, the idea of a miscarriage seemed foreign and impossible.  Yet, I am a person who has gone through the trauma of a miscarriage; I have lost a baby, a real person, my child. 

I knew that there was something wrong about three weeks ago.  I kept telling Robert that this pregnancy was different, but in my selfishness or my foolishness, I clung to the idea that I would not miscarry.  After all, this was our fifth pregnancy, isn’t it more common to happen in your first than your fifth?  Then, Tuesday November 6, 2012 happened.  I knew by the way that my body was responding that something was wrong.  I knew it was not normal to bleed and cramp the way that I was.  While Robert arranged for childcare, I drove myself to the ER.  This was not an easy trip.  It was hard sitting in the waiting room; it was hard being by myself.  Robert got there, but the aloneness of the experience was hard.  Finally they took me in for an ultrasound.  I had to go alone, hospital policy.  The tech would not tell me anything, but I knew the baby was gone.   Finally the doctor came in.  Your baby is dead, go home and wait for it to pass.  Seriously….this is it?

            Since I drove myself into the ER, I got to drive myself home.   I cried the entire way.  What was wrong with me?  How could I have done this?  Did I kill my child?  Robert stayed home from work with me on Wednesday, but I insisted he go to work on Thursday.  Thursday, November 8, 2012 is a day that I will always remember.  We had a big family lunch to celebrate Maggie’s 12^th birthday when the bleeding began.  It was 1:00, and the bleeding would not stop.  It was horrible.  Thank God for the clear thinking of my husband, I was going to drive myself back to the ER; he called his mom and had her take me. This was it; this was my time for losing the baby. 

            I lost a lot of blood.  I passed out at least twice.  When they finally checked me and took my vitals my blood pressure was 60 / 29.  This was not good.  I was exhausted.  I could barely keep my eyes open.  I knew things were serious when I heard ER doctor’s calling OR and telling them to get a room ready STAT.  I knew what STAT meant, I was not in good shape.    Yet, in spite of it all, I remained very calm.

            I think that this calmness came from several places.  First of all, I knew that God was with me and in complete and total control.  He also used the compassion of the medical staff.  The ER doctor grabbed my hand and told me I would be fine.  The doctor who started the blood transfusions (I needed two by the way), held my hand while working the IV line and told me that they would take care of me.  The OB doctor who performed my surgery is the one that I remember the most.  He came into recovery to tell me that they had taken the baby.  He did not call it a fetus or tissue, but he told me that it was my baby, a little boy.  That moment of non medical descriptions shall remain with me forever.  I was that baby’s mother.  I had lost a son, my child was gone, and he recognized that and treated me with compassion.

            There are moments when it takes all I can do to breathe.  I often feel guilty for having a hole in my arms, I know that I have four other healthy children to love; but my heart longs for this missing baby.   I feel guilty and ugly within my own skin, like my body killed my child.  In my head I know that this is not true, but sometimes grief tells our heart a different story.

 We chose to name our son Samuel which means God hears or God regards.  We felt that this was appropriate since God regarded him enough to call Samuel back to Heaven with Him.  I am still learning to navigate these waters of miscarriage, but there are a few lessons that I have learned in this short time.

  I know that God will never leave me and when He promises peace, He delivers.  I know what it means to look death in the face and feel no fear.  I know how empty my arms can feel, how it aches to just breath at times, and yet I know that I can chose to find joy in the little things around me.  I know that my Samuel is waiting for me in Heaven, and I know that he will know me immediately and KNOW that I am his Mama and I will finally get to hug him.  I know all of these things because I know the truth about who I am in Christ.  I am His child and He loves me more than I can put into words.  Knowing these things, I will continue on in my journey of miscarriage and healing.  I will look for the good.  I will hug my other children more.  I will always be the mother of five.  I will always be Samuel’s mother, and I will continue to say because of Christ: “It is well with my soul!”

ELECTION DAY 2012

Today is Election Day.  I must admit that I am glad that it is finally here.  I was getting very tired of 100 political phone calls every day.  Okay, maybe I exaggerated some.  It wasn’t really 100 a day, more like 55 or so, but you get my point.  In spite of the calls, today was an important day for us for a number of reasons, and since we homeschool I decided to make today a lesson about life and the way that we choose to do things as a family!

The first thing that we did is sit down with our kiddos and explain WHY they should vote.  We talked about the moral obligation that God holds us to.  We talked about how you choose a candidate.  We talked about how you need to research and understand the issues.  We talked about why you need to be in agreement to your spouse on all ideas and why this is important to not only your marriage but to God as well.  Then we went and voted.

The children learned what it means to be an American as they got to see democracy and the idea of a Republic in action.  The children got to see how people can exercise their rights and affect change on what they believe is true.  The children got to watch as many different people came together in one place for one common goal.   The children got to exercise patience and good manners while we stood in line and waited.

The last thing that was taught today was that we don’t have to despair if the person we chose to vote for looses.  We talked about how God is in control no matter what.  We prayed for the candidates, we prayed for God’s perfect will, we prayed for the nation, we prayed for each other.  All in all, I think that today was a great field trip and day of learning about what it means to be an American, but more importantly what it means to be a Christ Follower in America who chooses to vote!

LIFE HAPPENS!

Life has a way of happening!  It has a way of sneaking up on you and dropping little bombshells and challenges that are totally unexpected.  Or does it?

As a Christ Follower I do not believe that things happen by accident.  I firmly believe that everything that happens is because it has been established to happen that way.  I believe that nothing escapes God’s vision for my life, nothing; which brings me to today.

Today was a crazy, super stress filled day!  If it could go wrong, it did!  If someone could say something to me about something that I was doing wrong (or so they think!), they said it!  If stress was needed, today was the day for it!  Even tonight has been stress filled!  Poor Maggie, it was her 12^th birthday party and her daddy gets called out before the party even began and she never heard anything from her best friend!  Only two of her friends show up!  STRESS!

What’s a Mom to do?  I think that I will listen to the laughter of my kiddos eating cupcakes and candy until 9:00 tonight!  I think that I will take a bubble bath and relax.  More than anything, I will praise God for holding me in His hands even on my worst day!

Life happens:  God is bigger than my life!  Praise God for that truth!