WHAT HAVE YOU SACRIFIECED FOR GOD LATELY?

 

Our sermon this morning was especially beneficial and challenging at the same time.  We are studying Ephesians 3:16-19, the second prayer that Paul has prayed for believers.  There were three things that our Pastor said that really stuck out to me:

1.    What have you sacrificed lately for Christ?

2.   Do you love Christ more than anything, including your spouse and children?

3.   Are you living joyfully, not happy but living a life filled with joy?

I must admit that I was convicted in many ways.  I am NOT always joyful with my reactions to my husband and my children.  I am looking at what I need to do to be better in this area.  I KNOW that the answer is to die daily.  As Dr. Tony Evans said: “It’s in the believer’s daily death that they find real life”. BUT, if I am being honest, I haven’t been dying to self lately, more like OK God, I will let you have this, but let me hang on to this, this, oh and this too!  Guess what, that doesn’t work!!!!

So, what about you?  What have you sacrificed or given to God lately?  Me, I need to work on it, because the one thing that I have learned about my life is the tendency that I have as a living sacrifice to Christ; often times I crawl off the alter when I need to stay there!!!  Thanks Pastor Larry for this important reminder!!!!

LIFE…

Life has a way of getting complicated as you grow older!!! I can remember being a kid and not being able to wait until I was grown!!!  UGH!!!!!   I saw a sign on Pintrest the other day…..I totally agree!!!  SO….

 

I am no longer going to be an adult!  If you need me I am hiding in my blanket fort coloring!  That is all!

 

GIVE YOURSELF GRACE

Grace.  This one word is all but lost in our society.  Grace from my personal perspective and experience is seemingly getting unmerited favor, what I don’t deserve.  The best example that I can give describes God as full of Mercy and Grace.  His mercy shut the door to Hell through Christ on the Cross, BUT His GRACE opened the door to Heaven.  Grace what a beautiful concept that is only fully illustrated by a Holy and Just God.

Last night I attended the last Mom’s Night Out for the school year.  (Boy am I bummed about that, but for a whole other reason!!!)  I was talking with another mother who has also suffered the loss of a little one and has since gone on to have two beautiful baby boys.  One of these little ones was in attendance last night since he is only six weeks old.  We were discussing life, everything that has happened with my Mom and the healing in my heart from the hospital experience.  I was telling her, stating really how I feel like I’ve failed the kiddos this year because life has thrown us so many curves.  My expectations of “what” we should be doing are high, I often demand more of myself than I expect of anyone else, and if I have not checked everything off my to-do list, I feel like a failure.

This beautiful woman smiled at me, touched my arm and said: “You need to give yourself some grace.” 

That one sentence hit me like a ton of bricks.  I need to give myself some grace.  More than that, I need to offer myself forgiveness.  I need to remember that no one expects perfection from me; my very best is often mediocre in reality.  No one is constantly looking over my shoulder and going to tell me that since we haven’t made 100 art projects, my 5 year old is not fluent in Latin and reading at a 6^th grade level, and that my 12 year olds college dissertation is not done that I am a failure.  BUT I think that I am!  WHY?  I’m not extending myself grace.

Throughout this past year we have all been learning and growing together.  My children have watched their parents at their lowest moments and seen them learn how to trust God in ways that they themselves could never have imagined.  They have seen real grief.  They have seen real love.  They have learned how to rely on each other and what it means to really be a family.  They have learned how to cook and clean like never before.  They have learned how to identify new animals in the yard while at the same time they are helping Mom deal with a baby that quickly changed into a toddler.  They are not behind; they are right where they need to be.  I have not failed them, they are flourishing.  So why can’t I extend myself any grace?

I think that the answer is because I feel judged.  I know that there are people who are waiting for me to mess up so they can quickly point out my faults and failures to build themselves up.  That’s their issue, not mine, BUT I make it mine.  I put that guilt on my plate, dress is it up in a pretty package and stew over it.  IF I don’t have 10 smiling children at my children’s birthday party then I’m a failure.  If I don’t create the perfect family photo showcasing the perfect family then I’m a failure.  If my children aren’t above average in everything and playing every sport, musical instrument, and pulling straight A’s then I’m a failure.  If my house is not spotless with laundry done perfectly then I’m a failure.  Truthfully, I’m not a failure, I’m just me.  An imperfect person in a fallen sin cursed world that needs to be reminded every now and again that because of Christ’s work through me, I’m enough!

Thank you Nicole for that reminder last night! I think that I will extend myself some grace and hopefully in learning how to extend it to myself; I will be able to extend it to others in a better fashion.

 Grace, what a beautiful concept; getting something that you don’t deserve just because you are unique and special and you!

THE GIFT OF LIFE

 

I firmly believe that all life is precious.  All babies are a gift from God, no matter how long we have the opportunity to have them in our lives; they are a unique and special gift.  This week I was given that reminder of what life is and should be; a true gift.

This week has been a whirlwind.  Mom was diagnosed with cancer on Tuesday and had surgery to remove it on Thursday.  There was no real time to digest the information, it was here’s what’s going on and boom let’s deal with it.  Add to it the fact that Mom’s surgery was in the same hospital with her recovery in the room right next to where I stayed when I lost my son just four days AFTER his due date, and I was not okay.  I had built up what it was going to be in my mind, I just knew I was not going to survive the experience.  BUT, I did.

Last night Robert and I went to the hospital to visit Mom.  When the nurse came into the room Robert and I stepped out, I walked down to the nursery and saw two little babies in their bassinets.  One was being cared for by a nurse and the other was being kept in an incubator on monitors.  Both little ones had dark black hair on their heads.  Both were so tiny, precious, and beautiful.  Seeing both of them did bring tears to my eyes.  BUT I knew that they weren’t mine.  My son is resting safely in the arms of Christ, being rocked by the ultimate healer and I was okay with that.  I still miss him, but I know his life has value, even if I don’t understand why and what happened.

Then we arrived home.  The kiddos had spent some time with Mimi and Aunt Lanie and had gotten the mail for us (Mimi let Ethan drive to the mailbox, he was so proud).  In the mail was a beautiful card of a baby’s hand cradled in the hand of an adult.  It was from the Crisis Pregnancy Care Center out of Highlands County.  Inside the card was a beautiful  handwritten note that stated that a gift had been given in memory of Samuel to help save the lives of other babies.  We support the Pregnancy Center.  We believe that all life is sacred and should be treated as such.  We believe in their mission of helping women who think they can't handle a baby see what a blessing their little one really is.  God in His wisdom knew this and knew that this experience would help bring healing.  His timing with the visit to the nursery and the card were perfect as always!

I miss Samuel.  I miss the smell of a little baby, the sounds of a little one, and the feel of him in my arms.  BUT, thanks to God, cancer, and the gift of life I am healing, and maybe  just maybe another baby will live because of Samuel ,because of the child that I love so much but I lost.  That is a legacy I can be proud of.

A MOTHER’S LOVE

There is something unique and special about a mother’s love.  No one can really understand it or appreciate it until they are given a child of their own to hold, gaze into those little eyes, and have a hand grasp them in pure love.  It is a unique bond that is formed in a mere moment of time.  There is something about a mother’s love.

Today I had the privilege of sitting in the hospital while my mom had to undergo cancer surgery.  I do mean what I said, it was a privilege, and I know this because my sister and brother could not be there and I know that they wanted to be, but the privilege of this task came to me.  I sat in the waiting room in the hospital on the same floor that I was in when I lost Samuel.  I was with family and it wasn’t as bad as I had imagined it to be (isn’t that the way that it always is, we imagine the worse?), and I did fine until Mom was wheeled out of recovery and into her room.

The nurse came and got us so we could see her.  She explained that she was going to be out of it, feeling loopy from the anesthesia, might be nauseous, and might not remember that we were there. She walked us right into the room next to where I was just five short months ago.  Mom smiled as we talked to her, but truthfully snored off and on more than acknowledged us.  All of a sudden her eyes opened and she told me to come to her.  I was afraid she was going to be sick, but she called me closer.  Leaning over her bed, she grabbed my hands and with her eyes shut whispered:

          “Are you alright? Is being here upsetting you?  Are you ok?”

I almost cried right there.  Here I was worrying about my mother, worrying about her diagnoses of cancer, and worrying about my Dad; and her main concern was me.  Yes loosing Samuel was hard.  Yes returning to the hospital on the same floor just a week after his due date was painful.  Yes seeing all those little babies in the nursery was heartbreaking; and I will admit for a moment I thought that my family should be here visiting me and a new baby.  In spite of that in that moment I realized the depth of a mother’s love.

I am humbled and overwhelmed.  I am loved and it was amazing.  Sitting in the hospital I was wrapped in love, and I felt God there.  On the way home as I thanked Him for that gift, I thanked Him for the opportunity to be there.  I thanked Him for a Mother’s Love, a love and bond that is so strong that nothing can take it away.

I LOVE YOU MAMA!  And I can’t wait until you are awake so I can tell you!

THE “C” WORD

There are few words that can bring dread into one’s life like the “C” word…..no, not co-pay but CANCER!  This is a scary word that no one wants to hear, let alone a person hear that word in the sentence within the confines of the name of family member! In this case, cancer has hit in my family, with my Mom.

This week celebrates the 5^th month anniversary of the loss of Samuel.  What makes this month hard for me is that the 8^th is also four days AFTER the estimated due date.  In other words, instead of waiting to hold my new little baby in my arms, I am still mourning his loss and aching to hold him.  I purposed to keep myself busy on the 4^th (as in I went shopping) and I purposed to stay busy on the 8^th (as in I cleaned house) all the while thinking that life was going to be ok.  Then the 9^th happened and I got the phone call anyone would dread.  Not only was it cancer but the doctor wants surgery performed right away on the 11^th, at the same hospital with recovery on the same floor that I was on when I lost Samuel and almost died myself.

My sister keeps telling me that the 8^th of the month is not cursed, and I truly believe that.  I KNOW that Christ is in complete and total control of ALL things in my life, including my children, husband, and all my family.  BUT, I am, in all honesty, not doing well with this.  I am not okay.  I am heartbroken, upset, and in shock.  I am human after all.  I’m sitting here wanting to cry and then hide in my bed all day.  BUT, I am a Mama so I can’t do that.  Instead I sit here, anxiety welling up inside me with the idea that I can’t go back to THAT hospital, I can’t FACE that floor again, I can’t be there ALONE again.  BUT, I have to.  I have to face this and allow Christ’s strength to flow through me.  I don’t want to , but I have to.

The “C” word, cancer.  It is something that I hope no one ever has to hear.  All I can do is cling to the fact that “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” even face the dreaded “C”word with my Mom. 

Jump...JUMP!

Cole loves to JUMP on the trampoline!!!  It is so fun to JUMP, JUMP!

APRIL 4, 2013

I know that it is not yet the 4^th of April.  Truthfully we won’t be home tomorrow, part of the joys of homeschooling is being able to plan an impromptu field trip because, well quite frankly I DON’T WANT TO BE HERE!  Why?  April 4, 2013 was Samuel’s due date.  And no, I am not doing well or okay right now.  BUT, I know I will be!