THE “C” WORD

There are few words that can bring dread into one’s life like the “C” word…..no, not co-pay but CANCER!  This is a scary word that no one wants to hear, let alone a person hear that word in the sentence within the confines of the name of family member! In this case, cancer has hit in my family, with my Mom.

This week celebrates the 5^th month anniversary of the loss of Samuel.  What makes this month hard for me is that the 8^th is also four days AFTER the estimated due date.  In other words, instead of waiting to hold my new little baby in my arms, I am still mourning his loss and aching to hold him.  I purposed to keep myself busy on the 4^th (as in I went shopping) and I purposed to stay busy on the 8^th (as in I cleaned house) all the while thinking that life was going to be ok.  Then the 9^th happened and I got the phone call anyone would dread.  Not only was it cancer but the doctor wants surgery performed right away on the 11^th, at the same hospital with recovery on the same floor that I was on when I lost Samuel and almost died myself.

My sister keeps telling me that the 8^th of the month is not cursed, and I truly believe that.  I KNOW that Christ is in complete and total control of ALL things in my life, including my children, husband, and all my family.  BUT, I am, in all honesty, not doing well with this.  I am not okay.  I am heartbroken, upset, and in shock.  I am human after all.  I’m sitting here wanting to cry and then hide in my bed all day.  BUT, I am a Mama so I can’t do that.  Instead I sit here, anxiety welling up inside me with the idea that I can’t go back to THAT hospital, I can’t FACE that floor again, I can’t be there ALONE again.  BUT, I have to.  I have to face this and allow Christ’s strength to flow through me.  I don’t want to , but I have to.

The “C” word, cancer.  It is something that I hope no one ever has to hear.  All I can do is cling to the fact that “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” even face the dreaded “C”word with my Mom.