MOTHERHOOD IS NOT A COMPETITION!

I have purposed to do my best to edify and build other people up.  I am NOT PERFECT in this area by any stretch of the imagination. But I do try.  In spite of my best efforts, there is something that puzzles me greatly within the confines of mothers in our society.  Instead of edifying or building each other up, often we perceive that we are in competition to have the brightest, best dressed, perfectly fed, healthiest, and what we think of as happiest children; at the risk of ostracizing others in our quest for perfection.

Mother’s, please let me be frank and speak to you directly from my heart:

I don’t care how many children you have!

I don’t care if you home birth, hospital birth, go all natural, or have an epidural!

I don’t care how you diaper your children!

I don’t care if you exclusively nurse your babies or if you supplement with formula!

I don’t care if you wait until your child is a year old or four months old before you offer them “real food”!

I don’t care that your six year old is a math whiz and competing at a high school level!

I don’t care that your child is “behind” in their classes and is struggling and just can’t keep up with whoever they “should” be keeping up with. They are learning at their level and THAT IS ENOUGH!

I don’t care that you are an all organic totally natural no vaccines mother!

I don’t care that you give your kiddos chocolate and Little Debbie’s daily and have them up to date on all vaccines!

I don’t care that your child is on four sports teams and is a whiz at every ball game he or she plays!

I don’t care that your child is more interested in books or video games than sports!

I don’t care if you send your children to preschool or public school!

I don’t care if you homeschool your children!

To be honest, I don’t care what choices you make!

But wait just a minute there Jennifer!  HOW ON EARTH CAN YOU SAY YOU DON’T CARE?

I can say it because truthfully, I am not here to judge you as a parent.  I think that all of us struggle to do what is best for our families and our family dynamic on a daily basis.  When we throw in our guilt over what we perceive to be a lack of perfection onto another person because they homeschool, bottle feed, make their own laundry detergent, or eat processed foods daily we are NOT doing what we need to do as women or moms!  In our society that demands perfection, we should not be looking to tear each other down, to compare ourselves to others, or to believe the lie that we are better or less than someone else because they choose to mother differently.  Instead, we need to be supporting each other.  Sadly, most women choose the comparisons and competition game over the support game (especially within families).

I am not the MOTHERING POLICE!  Truthfully, I often feel like I am drowning on this journey that I call motherhood and I just don’t have the time to tell you what you are doing wrong!  Some days it takes all I can do to get laundry and dishes done with children dressed and fed!

  I can, however, tell you some things that I do KNOW for sure!

 YOU ARE DOING GREAT BEING YOU!

THERE IS NO OTHER WOMAN DESIGNED TO BE A BETTER MOTHER TO YOUR CHILD OR CHILDREN THAN YOU!

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND CREATED FOR THIS TIME AND THIS PURPOSE!

YOU DON’T NEED TO COMPETE WITH ANYONE!

YOU ARE A MOTHER, YOU ARE ENOUGH!

I think that it is time that all women STOP the competition and start the edifying!  What do you think?

 

 

 

THIRTY DAYS OF THANKFULNESS

Once again this November there has been a Facebook challenge to find some reason to be thankful every day.  I have seen some posts on Facebook where people say that they aren’t going to participate in this little tradition; we need to be thankful all year long.  I totally agree with that line of thought and am not upset or discouraged with anyone who doesn’t want to participate.  Actually I purpose to try to be thankful all year long and participate with a fellow homeschooling Mom and her weekly Facebook posts of Thankful Thursday.  However, this little piece is about WHY I AM participating with Thirty Days of Thankfulness!

Until last year, November was a month that brought me pure joy.  After all, who wouldn’t be joyful knowing that two of their awesome children were born in November?  My two oldest both have birthday’s in November making it one of my favorite months, a fun month to celebrate life!  Then 2012 happened, and November became a month of indescribable sadness.  Not only did my family suffer the loss of a child that we wanted and loved, but I almost left this earth too.  If it had not been for the Thirty Days of Thankfulness challenge on Facebook last year, I don’t know that I would have survived.  Why?  Because focusing on finding something to be thankful for everyday literally helped pull me out of my grief and let me see how blessed and highly favored I truly am.

I am participating in the Thirty Days of Thankfulness again this year, and I hope that I will be able to participate next year as well.  This little exercise in thankfulness helps me not to dwell on my sadness but helps me think on what matters most; the gifts of life that I see daily.  I am so thankful that I can participate in this and find a reason to be thankful everyday!  I am even more thankful that I am able to share this with my children.  This little venture has helped us to have an awesome first half of November 2013, and here’s to a lifetime more!

WITH THE BIG KIDDOS AWAY THE LITTLE KIDDO AND PARENTS WILL PLAY!

My three big kiddos are off for an adventure with my parents.  This was not something that I planned; my mom literally called me and told me that they were taking the big kiddos off on these days.  No questions were asked, like if I minded or if I cared, the reservations were made and they were gone.  At first I was hesitant; I didn’t want the big kiddos away from me in the middle of the week, I wanted them home with me to do school and life.  I lost that battle, they are gone with my parents staying at Disney’s Fort Wilderness Lodge and heading to EPCOT in the morning. 

When the big kiddos left, they hugged and kissed Cole and waved goodbye to me.  Well, Maggie and John Robert hugged and loved Cole and waved to me, Ethan was sitting in my parent’s car honking to horn waiting on them to come.  I was crushed, not even a hug goodbye.  Robert pointed out that I am just Mama, but still.  Really, not even a single hug?  (Don’t worry; they have made up for it.  I’ve gotten three phone calls already telling me about the things that they have done, like the carriage ride, the restaurant, getting ready to head out to the campfire, and the text that just came in telling us all goodnight and I love you).

Robert and I have taken the time to do some fun things too.  For example, I fixed a meal fit for, well us!  The two bigger boys don’t like stir fry or egg rolls so I fixed that for supper.  Robert and I totally enjoyed our meal but more than that we enjoyed the fact that dishes were done by 7:00 and we have leftovers for tomorrow.  Then we spent the night marveling at how different things are with just one little Best in the house.  Daddy and Cole have played pony and had fun rolling and wrestling on the floor together.  Mama and Cole made bath time a time of adventure and bubbles, laughing and giggling while Cole played in the tub. 

After bath time Cole and Mama snuggled on the couch for a few minutes watching Andy Griffith until Daddy came in with some strawberry sparkle cake to share with Cole.  Next thing we know, Cole told Robert he was sleepy (he literally said “Daddeee, sweepy”), and they are snuggled in the bed while I share this little snippet from our day.

The one thing that I have noticed is that, more than anything we are all playing.  The big kiddos are having a much needed break from us and playing and enjoying their annual November Disney Birthday Celebrations.  The rest of the Best’s are playing at home, enjoying snuggles, hugs, laughter, and the joy of being home together. 

More than that I have noticed that even though we are apart, we are all sharing one thing, the joy of the moment and the love of being a family.  This is very evident in the phone calls we are getting, the hugs and kisses of a nearly two year old, and the ability to smile as a couple and talk to each other without worrying about little ears everywhere.  I LOVE that we are all playing!

To me, this is what a family does, together or apart, they find ways to play!

THE GREAT BIRTHDAY WEEKEND

Last year at this time our lives were torn upside down and life was not easy.  This year, there was some trepidation about having “big” birthday parties and celebrations.  BUT, since this year was so important and special (after all, one child was now a TEEN and one child was hitting double digits!), we forged on and made this the weekend of birthday’s to remember!

First of all, our new teenager!  Maggie is now 13!  In spite of not wanting to have a party, we planned a girl’s weekend!  We picked up Maggie’s best friend from school on Friday and had a great time partying all weekend long.  Our Friday started off with lunch out (just Mama, Maggie, and the boys), followed by some serious shopping at Kohls, and then a trip to the library to find some new books.  Then we picked up her best friend and let the giggling and fun begin.  We opened presents, listened to the girls rock out to music, giggle about boys and their craziness, and then headed out to eat at I HOP (of all places, HA!).  Then the girls giggled until late in the evening, woke up on Saturday bright and early (thanks to the boys), and had fun partying to celebrate John Robert!

 

Getting ready for a girl's night out!

BUT, first things first: PRESENTS!!!!

The boys got Maggie some fun and funky earrings.

Mama and Daddy got Maggie some much needed new shoes and clothes.

 

We had to celebrate John Robert’s birthday “early” this year since Robert is on call next week when John Robert officially turns 10.  At first we weren’t going to have a party, but then John Robert decided that he wanted a baseball themed party.  So I got to work, made lots of party decorations, cleaned the house, and set up our house for the party.  Even though two friends weren’t able to make it, the party was a huge success and everyone left full and happy!  No one was happier than John Robert who made out like a bandit in the gift department, especially with birthday cash!

Setting up the candy buffet.

Food, Food, and MORE FOOD!  It was yummy too!

He's in DOUBLE DIGITS!

John Robert has been up since 7:00 this morning waiting for gifts! 

New clothes and shoes from Mama and Daddy!

The best gifts: MONEY CARDS!

Party aftermath....not too bad!

All in all, we have had a busy weekend of birthday fun!  As exhausted as this Mama is (and believe me, I’m whipped!  HA!), I am still overjoyed at the joy that has permeated our home this weekend.  As I was lying in bed last night I was crying as I thanked God for His blessings this year. I praised Him for the joy and laughter that filled our home, just one year after November brought unspeakable sadness.  I wept at the sounds of laughter and giggles, not because I was sad but because I really felt like God was brining joy in the morning of our lives.  We have had a GREAT birthday weekend, and all the joy comes from Christ! 

 

ONE YEAR: REMEMBERING SAMUEL

If you would have told me one year ago that I would be remembering the death of my child, I would have scoffed at you.  After all, we were happily waiting for one week from today to find out the gender of our newest Best, not to learn of his death.  BUT, today, exactly one year ago that is what happened.  We were handed the gift of walking through the death of our child, our son Samuel.

This past year has in no way been easy.  We have cried more than we thought possible. I have cried more than I thought possible.  I have cried over baby commercials, the sounds of infants cooing, laughing, and gurgling.  When we got to meet our new niece, I rejoiced with my brother-in-law and sister-in-law over their gift, and then sobbed on the ride home since their baby’s birth was due to be close to mine.  Their precious little one was here, on this earth to be snuggled and kissed.  My precious little one was taken from me and is waiting in the arms of my Savior.  I have peace in that, I have peace because of that; but it still hurts.

 

There are some things that I have learned as I have walked this path of grief this past year and grief is an odd thing.  In Christ and in Christ alone I can find the strength to breathe, but there are moments that it is hard to gasp for air.  There are moments, even still when my body is expanding to accommodate a new son to be born into our family, that I think of my Samuel and sob.  I should be holding my bouncing 7 month old in my arms, telling him about his new brother coming.  Instead I find myself (especially as we get the baby items out and get things washed and “ready” for Jacob), calling Jacob Samuel and having my children correct me.  As we have gotten closer and closer to this day, I have called him Samuel more and more, and I have wept.

I have had to defend myself and my children to family with their attitude of “YOU SHOULD BE OVER THIS BY NOW!”  My children, husband, and I will NEVER be “over this!”  We lost a child, a person, a gift from God.  Even though we never held him in our arms, we have always held him in our hearts and never wanted to see him taken from us.  We still grieve and mourn him although it is not in a public way anymore. We all miss seeing the person that he could have been.  To have to defend ourselves or hear those words is heart breaking and callous.  It is cruelty that is like heaping salt onto an open wound.  Yet, endure it we have.  I, indeed my whole family, will grieve in our own time table and in our own manner.  We are still grieving to this day.

 

I have had to endure snide remarks about the impending arrival of our newest addition.  I have lived in fear daily that he will be taken from me too.  Not a day goes by that I do not wonder if I will lose Jacob, if it is wrong for me to be happy about his upcoming birth, if I am trying to replace Samuel, if I will be able to really love him.  There is not a day that goes by that I don’t question or doubt myself and my ability to be a Mother, not just to Jacob but to all my children.  Add to this the snide comments that are made about the size of our family, how crazy we are to be having another child, and if we don’t know what causes this; and I mourn even harder.  I want to scream that I am not the mother of FIVE but SIX!  This is not my FOURTH son but my FIFITH son.  BUT, I do not rally against the remarks, hurtful comments, blame put on me; instead I endure them quietly and weep even more for what I have lost.

On this day, one year ago, I lost my fourth son, Samuel.  He was loved from the moment that we found out of his coming into our lives.  He was and has been wept for and missed ever since he was born into Heaven.  I never had the privilege of holding him in my arms, but I will forever hold him in my heart.  And I will weep and mourn for him daily until I get to see him, resting comfortably in the arms of my Jesus. 

Please do not mistake my quiet acceptance of this situation as strength.  Indeed, when it comes to my children I am the weakest of women.  But in my weakness, Christ is allowed to showcase His strength through me.  It is because of Christ and Christ alone that I have survived this past year.

Mama loves you Samuel.  I miss you my sweet little one!

THE BLESSINGS OF LARGE FAMILIES SHOWCASING GOD’S LOVE!

Yesterday Robert and I had to attend a birthing refresher course something that I will admit that we both chuckled over since this our fifth little one.  BUT, we enjoyed the morning off and learning things about labor that we had never thought of before.  We also enjoyed meeting the other expectant parents and laughed at their awe of our family size (most of them were on their second or third little one).  We also smiled as the midwife and birth assistant discussed WHY larger families have such a “fun” and “neat” family dynamic.  When we came home our four little ones were waiting on us and couldn’t wait to see what we had learned.  Then the fun began.

My three oldest, one named E-Man in particular, was ready for us to get all the newborn clothes out for Jacob.  What can I say we got them out; we sorted, we organized, and then today we washed four loads of laundry all for Jacob.  What made it even more “fun” for me was that all I had to do was fold the laundry, E-Man put them all in the washer, dryer, and then into Jacob’s dresser and onto the changing table.  He is that excited!

This lead Robert and I to a discussion about an article that I recently read about a population crisis in Japan, there are literally hardly any children being born.  What struck me was that the older people of Japan are hiring people our age to “be” their grandchild for the day.  The article also discussed how the upcoming generations have no interest in marriage or children.  In fact, most of them have no interest in anything past a platonic relationship.  This amazed me in light of what was happening here in my home.

I see the dynamic of my family.  I see their excitement with the addition of our newest son, even though it is another boy.  So far there has been no jealousy, no malice, and no comments asking why are you having more kids!  In fact, there is just the opposite.  I have children asking us to give them at least five more brothers and hopefully a sister.  Seriously, my kiddos want us to have 10 kids!  I have children that are discussing what their new jobs are going to be when the baby gets here, asking if they will be allowed to babysit, wash clothes, and even bathe the baby.  In comparison to a nation that seemingly does not want children, my family is asking for more!

I know that the size of our family is not right for everyone.  I know that there are people who are content with their family size.  I am not sharing this to make people want more children, I am sharing this to show why WE want to allow God to give us the children that He has for us.  For our family, it’s not about us.  It’s all about God and His love pouring through us into our family.  And I for one think that this example, the unabashed joy my children have because of a new baby coming into our home is amazing.  I also totally think that it is the result of a loving God who loves us and, our children, and our families more than we realize.

To answer the questions that I get often, no I am not sure that we are done.  Not I’m not sure that we will not be having at least one more child, if not more than that, I honestly don’t know.  And not knowing is okay.  My God knows, just as He knows the joy that my children are experiencing because of the upcoming arrival of a new baby.  For me, that is enough.