WHAT CAN I SAY OR DO?

Today I had a sweet girl that we used to go to church with and is now in college contact me and asked me this precious question.

"Mrs. Jennifer, my sweet friend and her husband lost their baby, she was six weeks pregnant.  What can I say or do to help her?"

My first reaction was to tell her that I didn't know.  How should I know what to do or say?  While I can be open about my grief and readily talk about the loss of my precious Samuel, I know that grief is a totally personal thing.  Not everyone wants to be open.  Not everyone will respond the way that I did when we found out our son had died.  So I sat there, with tears filling my eyes asking God, how can I help her?

The answer was simple; just love her.  

My sweet one, your friend is totally heart broken.  It's a pain that not even her husband will fully comprehend because, while he loves the baby, he didn't carry that sweet baby.  Her heart is so torn that it is literally hurting her to breathe right now.  That's okay, it's normal.  At times like this, words aren't necessary, just sitting next to her, holding her while she sobs, and even cleaning her house is all the love she can handle right now.  Bring her a meal or a gift card to her favorite restaurant.  These little actions are enough.  That's what you can do.

The idea of what to say is harder.  I wanted people to talk to me about Samuel.  He was my son.  He was (and is) loved and missed.  He was a vital and important person of our family.  But, I know that not everyone is as open as I am about the loss of their child.  Not everyone can share their thoughts openly and that's okay.  For me it is important to talk about him and his brief life, and my children and I do talk of Samuel and often.

I can tell you what NOT to say.  Never tell someone that there will be other babies.  That doesn't matter.  It is this baby that we wanted.  It is this child who's life was ripped from us too soon.  As much as I love my other children, as much as I love my precious Jacob, I still long and ache to hold Samuel.  He was a life, he mattered.  Don't ever tell someone that their baby is now an angel.  That is not comforting, at least not for me.  My Samuel wasn't created an angel, he was created a baby.  He had 10 fingers and 10 toes.  He had a beautiful face.  He was not an angel, he was my child, my beloved son.  To me saying that the baby is now an angel is dehumanizing and makes the pain even worse.  Do not ever tell a mother that there must have been something wrong with their baby.  It doesn't matter if the baby would've been born with a disability or not; they are still that couple's precious baby.  Lastly, never tell the grieving parent that they can't grieve anymore or that they should be "over" the loss of the child.  Don't tell any siblings this either.  There is no time line of grief.  There is no way that a week, a month, or even a year is enough time.  It's been two years for me, and I still cry.

So this brings me to my answer, what can you say?  Remember to say, "I love you".  Remember to say that the mother is enough.  Remember to say that she can cry, scream, yell, sob, hide, or even hit her pillow if she needs to.  Tell her she can talk about the baby or not talk about the baby.  Tell her she can have a memorial service or not have one.  Tell her that she can name the baby or not.  Tell her it's okay to feel crazy, emotional, hormonal, and even depressed.  Tell her it's all normal and that where she is right now is where you want to be too, right next to her supporting her.  

Most of all, tell her that God the Father Himself knows how she feels and that He really does love her, even if she feels that He doesn't.  He too lost his precious Son to the sin of this cursed world.  He too knows what it means to grieve and mourn.  He knows the hurt that stops us from breathing and knows how it feels to be uncertain of taking your next breath.  More than anything, He know it all and He is enough.